Fiyero Goes to Candy Mountain
by Ichiko Wind Gryphon
Summary: Boq and Galinda find a map to Candy Mountain and drag Fiyero along with them! Based on Charlie the Unicorn. Don't ask. Just . . . don't.


**This is what you get when you drink like three Gatorade's in a row and stay up all freakin' night. Seriously, GO TO BED AT A REASONABLE HOUR. I'm going crazy here . . .**

* * *

Fiyero was enjoying an afternoon nap on a bench in the middle of the Shiz University quad. It was a gorgeous day, with warm weather and a cool breeze. He savored the day and slept peacefully on the wooden bench with his hands clasped behind his head.

Just then, Boq came walking up to him. "Hey, Fiyero!" he said in his annoying and squeaky voice. "Hey, Fiyero, wake up!"

"Yeah, Fiyero, wake up!" Galinda joined in. This was strange. Why was Galinda hanging out with Boq?! "You silly sleepy-head, wake up!"

Fiyero groaned and sat up. "Ugh, sweet Lurline, not you guys. This better be pretty freakin' important. Did Elphaba mutate another monkey again?"

"No, Fiyero, we found a map to Candy Mountain!" Boq said excitedly. "Candy Mountain, Fiyero!"

"Yeah, Fiyero, we're going to Candy Mountain!" Galinda piped in. "Come with us, Fiyero!"

"Yeah, Fiyero, it'll be an adventure! We're going on an adventure, Fiyero!" Boq chorused.

Fiyero stared at them. "Yeah, Candy Mountain, right. I'm just, you know, going to go back to sleep now," he said, sitting back down and draping his arms over his eyes.

"No-o-o-o! Fiyero!" Boq said, and did a ridiculously-impossible flip through the air, landing on Fiyero's back. He then proceeded to jump up and down on said prince of the Vinkus's back. "You have to come with us to Candy Mountain!"

"Yeah, Fiyero, Candy Mountain! It's a land of sweets and joy . . . and _joyness_!!" Galinda said.

"Please stop bouncing on me," Fiyero said through gritted teeth.

"Candy Mountain, Fiyero!!" Boq persisted, still jumping relentlessly on Fiyero's back.

"Yeah, Candy Mountain!"

"Alright, fine, I'll go with you to Candy Mountain!" Fiyero yelled furiously. Galinda and Boq cheered and started to skip hand-in-hand down the path leading out of the university grounds. And then, to Fiyero's great annoyance, they began to sing obnoxiously. And very, _very_ loudly.

"La lala la lalalala la la laaa laala," they sang, still skipping hand-in-hand.

"God, enough with the singing already!" Fiyero said angrily.

"First stop is over there, Fiyero!" Boq said, pointing up ahead. Laying just in front of them was some sort of large, ugly brutish monster, with a very big mouth filled with razor-sharp teeth.

"Oh, sweet Oz, what is that thing?!" Fiyero asked.

"It's a Leoplurodon, Fiyero!" Boq answered.

"A _magical _Leoplurodon!" Galinda said.

"It's going to guide our way to Candy Mountain!" Boq said.

"Ok, guys, you do know there's no actual Candy Mountain, right?" Fiyero sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"SHUN THE NON-BELIEVER!" Boq said, pointing dangerously at Fiyero.

"SHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUNNNN!" Galinda said.

"Shhhuuuunnnn-eh!" Boq said.

Fiyero stared on emotionlessly. "Yeah."

Just then, the . . . Leoplurodon, was it? . . . started making strange gurgling noises.

"It has spoken!!" Boq said reverently.

"It has told us the way!" Galinda said in awe.

"IT DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!" Fiyero roared.

* * *

The trail led them to cross a rickety old wooden bridge spanning across a massive canyon.

"It's just over this bridge, Fiyero!" Boq said.

"The magical bridge! Of hope and wonder!" Galinda added.

Fiyero was starting to grow concerned. Did Elphaba cast some strange spell over them? Or did they both go insane from college?

He then stared down at his feet. "Is anyone else getting, like, covered in splinters?" he asked worriedly. "Seriously, we shouldn't be on this thing."

"Fiyeroooooo!" Boq said mystically. "Fiyyyyyerooooooo! Fiiiyyyeerrrooo! Fiiiyer--"

"I'm _right here!_What do you want?!" Fiyero demanded.

"We're on a bridge, Fiyero!!"

Fiyero smacked his hands over his eyes. Yep, they were both insane.

A short while later, after a bit more walking through some more random forests, Boq stopped. "We're here!" he announced. Fiyero was surprised.

"Well, what do you know, there really is a Candy Mountain," he muttered to himself. It wasn't what he had in mind, but there was a house-sized triangular-ish mound with a cave in the middle, covered in sweets and candy with a banner proudly saying CANDY MOUNTAIN placed over the cave entrance.

"Candy Mountain!!" Boq was singing before he started to once again do ridiculously-impossible flips, and then danced around it. "Candy Mountain!! Fill me with sweet sugary goodness!!"

"Go inside the Candy Mountain Cave, Fiyero!" Galinda urged.

"Yeah, Fiyero! Go inside the cave!" Boq said. "Magical wonders will behold you when you enter!"

"Yeah, uh . . ." Fiyero said as he stared into the dark and creepy tunnel. "Thanks, but no thanks, I'll stay out here."

"But you have to enter the Candy Mountain Candy Cave, Fiyero!" Galinda begged, tugging on his arm.

Just then, a random musical score started up from seemingly nowhere. Fiyero whipped around, looking for the source of the music, when suddenly the letters on the banner spelling out CANDY came to life and jumped out at him. The Y started to sing as his comrades danced crazily around him.

"Oh when you're down and looking for some cheering up!  
Then just head right on up to the candy mountain cave!  
When you get inside you will find yourself a cheery land!  
Such a happy and joy filled and perky merry land!  
They've got lollipops and gummy drops and candy things!  
Oh so many things that will brighten up your day!  
It's impossible to wear a frown in candy town!  
It's the Mecca of love the candy cave!  
They've got jellybeans and coconuts with little hats!  
Candy rats, chocolate bats it's a wonderland of sweets!  
Ride the candy train to town and hear the candy band!  
Candy bells it's a treat as they march across the land!  
Cherry ribbons stream across the sky into the ground!  
Turn around it astounds it's a dancing candy tree!  
In the candy cave the imagination runs so free!  
So now Fiyero will you please go into the cave!"

The candy letters then violently exploded into a fiery ball of flames, leaving Fiyero standing there with his mouth wide open.

"FINE! I'll go inside the freakin' Candy Cave! This better be good!" he grumbled.

When he entered, Boq and Galinda started to laugh maniacally. "Good-bye, Fiyero!" Boq said evilly.

"Yeah, good-bye, Fiyero!" Galinda chimed in.

"Good-bye?!" Fiyero repeated, confused. "What?" And then suddenly, doors popped out of the cave walls and shut him inside, plunging him into total darkness. "HEY! What's going on here?!" he yelled out furiously. "Hello?" He then heard footsteps approaching him. "Who's there?" he demanded.

He was then hit very hard upside the head with some sort of blunt metal object, knocking him unconscious.

* * *

Fiyero woke slowly, and took in his surroundings. He was in the same forest just outside the Candy Mountain. He groaned and rubbed his head. "Ow, ugh, sweet Lurline, what happened?" he muttered. He felt strangely light-headed.

That's when he noticed that his hands were made of cloth, and he was stuffed with straw. He had been transformed into a scarecrow!!

"AUGH! THEY TOOK MY FREAKIN' BRAIN!!" Fiyero roared.


End file.
